There’s no formula for grieving the right way. In fact, while you may believe you can lean on your siblings for support after a parent’s death, they may be too consumed by their own grief or challenges to fully understand or empathize with what you’re going through. Grief is simply complex, and different people process it in different ways. In some cases, it can even lead to negative feelings in the family. In this guide, we provide tips on how to deal with toxic siblings after parent’s death.
If you are experiencing conflicts in the family after a parent’s death, consult an estate attorney as soon as you can for ways to protect your rights and interests as an heir or beneficiary.
An experienced California estate attorney can help you interpret your parents’ will and wishes, resolve tension, and make final arrangements. Finding ways to handle a toxic sister or brother following a parent’s death will do wonders for your emotional and mental health, and it starts by recognizing when you are dealing with toxicity and negative dynamics.
Signs you are dealing with a toxic sister or brother after death of parents
The time following the death of a parent can be tough on the whole family. Unfortunately, some siblings may use this emotionally charged period to resurface unresolved childhood wounds or assert control, attempting to influence decisions in ways that go beyond the wishes of the deceased. As mentioned, perspectives on grief vary by individuals. If you really want to know whether you are dealing with a toxic brother or sister, watch out for the following signs:
Rivalry and envy
Envy and rivalry are the most obvious signs of toxic siblings after a parent’s death. Envy is where siblings start to envy the other’s possessions, achievements, and even the relationship they had with the parent.
Envy always leads to competition. For example, a toxic brother might try to acquire a bigger part of the deceased’s estate because they feel the other has already been given much in life. They might also try to sway other siblings to their side of the bitter quarrel. Rivalry and envy always lead to estranged siblings after parents’ death.
Apathy
Apathy is where the toxic sister or brother shows a lack of interest in your feelings and well-being. That’s when they stop holding back and start hurling blame or discouraging comments your way without caring for the emotions you are also experiencing during the time. You’ll hear all the things your toxic brother or sister has thought about you through the years, including reminders of when the parent did something for you and not them or that they gave up their career to look after the parent while you were away pursuing your personal goals.
Pressuring and deception
Some toxic siblings may even try to exercise dominance following the death of a parent. They may use tricks and blackmail to get what they want from siblings, including controlling what you say, and how you act and even forcing you to agree to trust or will amendments.
Of course, these actions may be due to the stress and emotions surrounding the situation, but they can also be intentional. In any case, it’s better to act fast, set boundaries, and protect yourself from further hurt.
Physical and verbal aggression
Lack of empathy may even grow into verbal and physical abuse. This is where toxic siblings start calling each other hurtful things and even use threats or physical violence. It may be due to the old sibling rivalry, stress, or struggles coping with the loss. In any case, don’t hesitate to seek help if you see a situation escalating.
You are not alone; there are various organizations and people you can turn to for help, including:
- The National Alliance on Mental Illness (1-800-950-6264)
- The Trevor Project (1-866-488-7386)
Reasons for toxic behavior in Siblings after parents’ death
As mentioned, perspectives on grief differ from individual to individual. The loss of a parent may just be the trigger that brings out those deeply buried issues in the family. Indeed, some of the reasons for estranged siblings after parent’s death include:
Unhealed childhood scars
In most cases, the things people go through in their childhood influence how they behave and relate with others later. For example, if parents showed some of their children preferential treatment, those who feel left out might harbor resentment that will likely show up following the death of the parents.
In other cases, if one of the parents mistreated the other, some of the children may feel resentment towards the remaining parent if they were the ones doing the mistreatment. This resentment can make them become aloof from their parent and even their siblings.
Problems with inheritance
Some siblings may not feel content with their allocated shares. For example, they may feel that the other sibling is already successful and therefore doesn’t need his share of the inheritance. Some older siblings may also feel some kind of disrespect if allocated the same share as others. Disagreements regarding trusts, wills, and estates can lead to estranged siblings after parent’s death.
Changes in roles and responsibilities
Naturally the death of a parent can lead to changes in power dynamics within the family. Siblings may have trouble adjusting to new roles, and those who feel like their status is being disrespected may feel angry and resentful. A toxic sister or brother might even resort to blackmail and other threats to get other siblings to behave in a certain way.
What to do in case of toxic siblings after parents’ death?
Just for clarity, we want you to know that you shouldn’t be ignorant of your siblings’ feelings after your parent’s death. As already mentioned, there’s no standard way to grieve, so try not to dictate how they should feel or behave unless their behavior is outright toxic.
Knowing someone your entire life doesn’t mean you have full insight into their thoughts or emotions. Support your siblings in the ways you’re able, and don’t hesitate to share your own feelings to foster open and healthy communication.
That said, you shouldn’t forget about yourself. Just because it’s good to empathize with your siblings’ negative feelings doesn’t mean you should let toxic behavior ensue. There are steps you can take to protect your emotional health and inheritance. Here’s a look:
Set boundaries
After your parent dies, a toxic brother or sister can keep you from processing the grief and finding peace. While it’s important to understand the emotions your siblings are going through, you might have to set boundaries to keep safe from toxicity. Identify the issue, then choose the best way to communicate so they understand your expectations. It’s best if you stay calm and confident so they take your words seriously.
Let them know how their behavior is impacting your relationship and gently acknowledge that while they’re going through a difficult time, so are you. Encourage them to find a way to cope that doesn’t strain your connection.
Keep a record of relevant information.
Of course, certain toxic behavior can jeopardize your inheritance—and the last thing you want is to be cheated out of what you’re legally entitled to. Keep a record of items such as bank statements, sibling and parent email correspondence, life insurance policies, property records, etc.
Verify statements made by the trustee or executor.
After a parent’s death, some toxic siblings may collude with trustees or executors to cheat others out of their rightful inheritance. Just because a trustee or executor says something is true doesn’t mean it is. Get your hands on a copy of the trust document or will to see the terms and conditions. Try to verify the validity of the documents, too. Common signs of forgery or fraud include signature mismatches, amendments that contravene governing law, etc.
Consult a lawyer
Of course, you should consult an estate and trust attorney in matters involving inheritance disputes. An experienced trust and estate attorney can help interpret your parent’s will, make final arrangements, and resolve disputes—including questions of document validity and allegations of fiduciary breaches.
Use mediation and grief counseling services.
If emotions are running high and you can’t communicate with toxic siblings after parent’s death, try mediation and grief counseling. Family mediation can be a formal or informal affair. Informal mediation is where you rely on a friend to resolve disputes. On the other hand, formal mediation relies on the services of professional mediators.
Mediation is useful when trying to resolve disputes, but some siblings find their feelings are being ignored. Don’t forget to have your lawyer present during the mediation so they can look after your rights and interests. Overall, mediation saves time and money and helps avoid subjective rulings.
The above guidelines offer the basis for handling estranged siblings after a parent’s death. If you want to speak with a qualified inheritance lawyer in California, we will be happy to help. Schedule a free consultation on our website and let us know the issue you are dealing with.
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